Chapter 14 – Father In-Law

One of the difficult things about seeing a daughter get married is that a dad tends to remember how little he knew when he tied the knot—and that scares him to death when he realizes his daughter is now on the receiving end of that ignorance.

 

When I asked Sande to marry me, I did so many things wrong it's a wonder we ever got together. First of all, no one ever told me to take her to a nice restaurant to propose. I took her to a field out behind my parents' house.

 

And then I put the ring on the wrong hand.

 

When we went down to city hall, I told Sande it was Leman tradition for the bride to pay for the wedding license.

 

"Oh, how interesting," she said. "I certainly don't want to break a Leman family tradition."

 

It was only after she coughed up the five dollars that I had to admit she had just started the tradition.

 

I have to confess, I was so full of what was going on, so exhilarated by the thought that this beautiful young woman was willing to live with Cubby Leman for the rest of her life, that it never occurred to me what her father was thinking. I guess I assumed he was overflowing with unadulterated joy, but now that I've switched generations, I know exactly what her dad was thinking: A stranger is taking my daughter away!

 

As fathers, we are naturally protective of daughters. I think of my girls getting married as a chapter that is closing, even though Sande insists it's the reverse—that an entirely new book is opening up for them.

 

By the time a young man asks for your daughter's hand in marriage, most of your parenting will be done. The wet cement will have hardened into an indelible mold.

 

It's Already Done

Your daughter's ability to trust, her openness to sexual intimacy, and her overall imprinting are, for the most part, already determined. At this point, there's not a lot more you can do. I know that being hand off goes against your nature as a man, but that's a much better approach than to suddenly try to fix everything that is wrong with your daughter or future son-in-law. It's crucial for fathers to understand that you can't use a six-month engagement to repair twenty-five years of neglect. If you try, you'll only make matters worse.

 

A good father-in-law is marked in part by what he doesn't do. Here, more than almost any other area of parenting, is where doing too much may be an even greater danger than doing too little.

 

I've learned, in just the short time that I've been a father-in-law, not to take sides in a disagreement. Sande and I have memorized the words, "I'm sure you guys can handle it; I'm sure you'll work it out."

 

We used these phrases quite frequently when the kids quarreled, and we intend to keep right on using them when marital spats erupt. The beauty of these phrases is that they accomplish two ends: They keep you out of the argument while also giving a positive expectation: "Somehow, you guys will figure this out." That shows confidence in them as a couple.

 

A New Era

Making the transition from father to father-in-law may not be easy, but it's essential—and rewarding. A friend reminded me that the absolutely best thing about being a father-in-law is this: The next woman in my family to have a baby won't be Sande!

 

[Conclusion of What a Difference A Daddy Makes, The Indelible Imprint of a Daddy on a Daughter's Life]

 

Blog author's challenge:

Men, if we were really men and father's acted like real fathers, places like where I work, a multi-faceted Children's Home, would never need to exist. Culture would be far different and better. Let's all get to work and hope and pray to God that our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will enjoy the benefits of men truly being men, father's truly being father's, far more than sperm donors.

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