"Mothers have an uncanny sense of what their babies need and an amazing, almost intuitive understanding of what their children and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, this can hold back a child's development. Mothers can become so adept at anticipating a child's desires; the child may not learn how to communicate those needs effectively."
"This is just one of the ways that an active father can help his daughter develop. When a father interacts with his baby, the child is forced to learn how to communicate more effectively. Dad's supposed weakness in this regard is in reality a strength."
"This is just one of many examples of how crucial a father is in all stages of a daughter's life. Until relatively recently, in terms of Western culture, no one questioned the importance of fathering. It might surprise some of you men to learn that in colonial America, fathers were viewed as the primary caregivers to children. Until the earlier part of the eighteenth century, virtually all child-rearing manuals were written for men. And it wasn't until the nineteenth century that women began to be awarded custody of children in the wake of a divorce. Prior to that, children almost always went to the man."
"Many women, in fact, actively discourage their husbands from taking paternal leave. When asked, some of these women admitted that they did not want to risk the child's bonding with the father, thereby competing with their own bonding process."
"Men, if you are married to one of these mothers, you need to be firm. Your daughter needs your involvement."
"The research shows that a mother's attitude toward the father-daughter relationship has a major impact on a father's parental involvement. If the husband perceives that his wife doesn't want him to be influential in his daughter's life, or if the wife makes the husband feel as if he knows nothing about being a female and should therefore leave matters of substance to her, hubby is far less likely to become the active, affirming father that his daughter craves."
"Another way that mothers can unwittingly (or wittingly) sabotage father-daughter relations is by insisting that a father parent like a mother. When a dad becomes involved in his daughter's life, he will bring his own opinions, values, and beliefs to the relationship. He may seem brusque where the mother would be gentle. You cannot expect a man to parent like a woman. The ideal is NOT for a child to have to mommies, but for a child to have a mommy AND a daddy."
"I want you dads to understand just how vital your care and participation in the parenting process is so this doesn't happen in your home."
A Man for All Seasons
Just as a father's attention is vital to help a baby learn to communicate, so it is essential just a few months later as the near-toddler learns to accept a man's attention. Dr. James Herzog points out that both boys and girls have an acute need to identify with their male parent, particularly between the ages of fourteen and seventeen months, which results in them gravitation toward Daddy. Insecure mothers may feel jealous or even betrayed by this – I changed her diapers, I'm the one who helped her take her first step, I rocked her to sleep and dressed her in clean clothes, and now she wants him more than me?!—but this is a necessary development that mothers should encourage, not hinder.
Dr. Charles Flatter points out that as toddlers become children, a father's need to become actively involved increases yet again. Little four-year-old girls learn that Mother and Daddy resolve conflicts in different ways. One parent might be more analytical; the other more emotional. Whatever the case, the daughter will learn that there is more than one way to handle a dispute. If the father draws back, the daughter will be one-dimensional and much less able to cope in a varied world.
Competition can heat up fast. It is normal for a five-year-old girl to begin to flirt with her father and even be resentful of her mother. Her longing for the father's affection at this age is such that she envies the exclusive relationship Mommy has with Daddy. This, again, is a crucial step that helps the little girl define her femininity, regardless of how painful it might be for Mom.
Between the ages of six and preadolescence, a daughter's view of Daddy will transform itself from and idealized one to a more objective characterization. Dr. Phyllis Tyson has found that an involved father at this season of life helps a daughter learn to manage her impulses and cement her gender identity. Also important, an involved father will help a child this age to begin the necessary separation from the mother, stemming the natural urge, caused by fear, to regress to being a "baby" again.
The potential for conflict here is obvious. The child NEEDS to separate from Mom if she is going to become an adult, and she will naturally use Daddy to help make that transition. Mother might take this personally and blame the father for a natural process of life.
In adolescence, the involved father becomes the male figure that all other men are compared to. His acceptance, affirmation, and encouragement will help the daughter successfully negotiate her way into adulthood. I'm all for the mother and daughter being "best friends" at this age, but mother shouldn't guard this so possessively that daughter is cheated from receiving Dad's all-important attention. Dad, you need to step forward here and stay involved.
In every stage of life—from birth to marriage—an active father's presence is crucial.
Men, if your wife is undermining your relationship with your daughter, ask her to read this chapter. Talk over her fears. Don't discount them, but don't simply give in to them, either. Listen to your wife, assure her of your love, but affirm your desire and intention to remain active in your daughter's life.
After you've done that, however, I want to you take another step and put the spotlight on yourself. Maybe your wife feels threatened by your parenting in part because you've been neglecting her in favor of your daughter. It's no more healthy for your daughter to have a man who is involved in her life but ignoring her mother than it is for her to have a father who ignores her. She needs to see a healthy marriage in order to develop an appropriate model for her own marriage.
Successful fathering stands on two pillars: being an active father and being an active husband. Let's now turn our attention to this second element.
The Father as an Active, Involved Husband
Men, I've never met a wife who told me, "I'm so thankful that I'm number two in my husband's heart and his children are number one."
Our job as men is to move toward our wives.
Going on the Offense
You may have a jerk boss who rides you unmercifully and unfairly. But when you allow him to send you home in a funk, you let that man afflict your wife and children too. It's your job to protect your family from that jerk.
One of the ways you can serve your daughter is by loving your wife the way she wants to be loved. Women don't feel loved when they sense their husband is controlling—and control is often our number one failing as men.
Janice comes home after spending an hour and a half shopping for groceries and is met at the door by meticulous Mark. Mark actually requests the receipt, then does an itemized accounting of everything Janice bought.
This type of control mongering is debilitation to a woman.
Other men use their temper to exert control. They know that as soon as they start bellowing like a lion, their wives and kids will quickly fall into line. When these men are tired, they don't even try to relate—they just yell.
If you go along with a subpar marriage, your daughter will pay the price. She needs to have a strong, involved, affectionate, and respectful marriage modeled for her. The best gift you can give your daughter is making your wife number one in your eyes. You are not raising healthy children if you shower all your attention on "Daddy's little girl" and leaving nothing for Daddy's wife.
Building on a strong marriage, both father and mother can give their children something priceless—cooperating parents.
Cooperating Parents
Think of how comforting this is to a girl. She has both a good father and a good mother modeled to her. Together, they help her to understand how a man and woman relate, work together, and raise a healthy family. There are no holes for her to fill in, no gaps to reconstruct. She has the entire package right before her—how a godly woman lives, how a godly man behaves, and how both of them relate to each other.
Isn't this what you want for your daughter, Dad? Don't you want her to have the best chance for happiness in her own marriage? If so, learn to get along with your wife. Shower your daughter with affection, but save the primary flow of your attention for your wife. If you do this, your daughter will benefit all the more.
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<' ((( ><
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