Chapter 11 – Teach Your Daughter That Other People Matter More

"Our daughters grow up with messages that exalt love of self."

 

"But Jesus' words—that we find our life by losing it—are as true for a fourteen-year-old girl as they are for a grown man or woman.

 

"Other-centeredness is, ironically, crucial for our daughter's happiness. A young woman who lives only to be noticed will always be frustrated, because she will never be noticed enough."

 

"On the other hand, a young woman who seeks to notice others will always be fulfilled, because there is an endless supply of people who need to be noticed and appreciated. She will find that meaning and contentment grow as she ages."

 

"Our daughters need to see their fathers placing duty above happiness—so that they, too, can learn to be lost in a cause of purpose greater than themselves."

 

Sacrificial Service

"'tough minded men can be kind and sensitive. He was a very loving father.'"

 

"Robert Kennedy may have been sensitive and involved, yet he taught his daughter the hard-minded truths of trying, refusing to give up, and, ultimately, winning. He did more in the seventeen years he had with Kathleen than many fathers to over six or seven decades.

 

"Have you taught your daughter the importance of serving? Does she know that life becomes more fulfilling when she concerns herself with making a difference in her community rather than spending three hours a day in the gym trying to fit her size-ten body into a size-four dress? Does she know the importance of persevering and refusing to give up? Have you taught her that sometimes sacrifice and service hurt? That at times we have to give up things we want to do in order to care for others?

 

"Elisabeth Elliot's missionary service cost her a husband (he was killed by the Auca Indians he had gone to serve). Amy Carmichael shunned the fashionable dress of her day and began donning the clothes of the East Indians she was determined to reach with the gospel. Such women represent true heroism and faith, something that never goes out of style."

 

"Learning to put others first does more than add integrity to our daughters' walk with God. It also helps ensure that they will have rewarding marriages, as putting your spouse first is crucial to marital satisfaction."

 

Real Love

"I've realized that I can make my daughters' lives go much more smoothly by helping them to see that for most of us, life serves up ten helpings of reality for every one helping of bliss. Marriage is about service even more than it is about romance."

 

"This is true even when it comes to sex and conversation. … It's our responsibility to clue our daughters in to how a man wants to be served this way in marriage (just as we must teach our sons how to serve their wives in this same area)."

 

"Men seek sexual fulfillment, not just sex." "But sex without sexual fulfillment to a man is like conversing with a man through a newspaper is to a woman."

 

"Sexual fulfillment is not based on a wife's willingness but rather on a wife's eagerness. It's very kind of a wife to be willing…..but we'd much rather have it come from an eager participant."

 

"I have yet to meet a man who doesn't occasionally want his wife to initiate sexual relations." "Sadly, I've had far too many women tell me in counseling, "My mom pulled me aside on my wedding day and said, "Sex is something you're going to have to learn to live with. Just lie back and let him enjoy himself; it usually doesn't take all that long if you just let him get it over with.""

 

"What a crippling thing to say!" "We can say to our daughters, "Rather than always assenting, try asking!" "tell him over and over how important, how vital this aspect of marriage is to you, and then back that up with actions."

 

"If any women are reading this chapter, I know they'll be saying to themselves, "I'll never get there. Sex will never be that exciting to me." That's exactly why I'm encouraging fathers to teach their daughters to put other people first. It's rather elementary. Do you think your daughter has and emotional (as well as financial and spiritual) stake in her husband's marital contentment? Do you think she ultimately wants her hubby to drive to work saying to himself, "I'm so glad I married that woman"?"

 

"Of course she does! And you can help her achieve that goal." "She needs to know that sex may never be as important to her as it is to her husband, but she can still initiate it because her husband's love and affection are important to her."

 

"Lest someone think I believe only women must serve, let me stress that I tell men to put the same principles into play. I'd start talking about how important it is for mothers to tell their young men how crucial it is to put the newspaper down when their wives want to talk. It's just as crucial for men to put others first as it is for women. And marriage provides plenty of opportunities for men to do this."

 

"Daughters who have been taught that other people matter more have been given a great head start in marriage. They will find more fulfillment outside the relationship, as they serve others, as well as inside the relationship, as they build intimacy with their spouse."

 

"Putting other people first has limits, of course. There are times when service can be crippling rather than enabling, and we need to teach our daughters that too."

 

"I want to raise daughter who know the meaning of sacrificial service, but I draw a distinction between sacrificial service and enabling people to destroy themselves. For instance, I don't recommend that a woman stay with a man who is physically abusing her just because she needs to "put him first." That is not what I'm talking about. What a controlling, abusive man needs more than anything else is someone who will stand up to him and say, "Not any more."

"That's true service."