3rd Shift Thoughts

The following was written while I was on a trip with work to the Adirondacks. God led me to post this hear and to grant permission for it to be shared with anyone who may have suffered the loss of an unborn child. This was written August 25, 2007. We found out we were pregnant and a week later God led us through a miscarriage. My prayers for you are for the comfort that only God can give if you are going through this or are struggling with the thought or memory of this in your own life, and that this may help you and the father of the child.

Dear Kaelin,
Though we haven’t exactly met each other yet I wanted to thank you for your impact on my life and tell you about how you have changed it forever.

As I sit here I can’t write as fast as my brain is going. I miss you so very much and love you. Each day I pray and ask God to give you a hug for me. And like just now, each time I ask that or even think it, I cry, as I think about not being able to hold you in my arms, watching you as you sleep on my chest, hearing your first cries as you enter a new world from the womb, hold your tiny hand in mine as you take your first wobbly steps, learn how to ride a bike, cast a line, blow bubbles in your drinks with your straw, go on your first “date”, pursue a passion that God has given you, keep your big sister in her place :-), play together, argue with each other, do life all together.

We only knew of your existence for a couple of weeks before you left us for better company there in heaven :-). I have to tell you that your mom and I were devastated with the news of your certain departure from us. While we certainly would much rather have you here with us, we are wrestling with accepting this as God’s will for you and for us.

Yet, we saw God’s hand at work directly in and through all of this. But if it were up to me totally….you would be here….forget anyone else. But that is not how God was to use you, was it? No. Let me tell you about what happened so far.

Kaelin, because of you, our faith in God’s infinite and perfect wisdom and total dependence on Him, another kid was saved from hell, deeper staff connections were made, and a very much previously unavailable connection was made with a teen who was deeply hurting but had been burying it and trying to cover it with her outgoing flamboyant personality.

Which reminds me, don’t know how this works in heaven right now, but could you find this teen’s son or daughter and let ‘em know that Mom and I are here with her? Thanks. Also be sure to him or her know that Mom had accepted Christ a few months ago and will be there when God’s plan for her life is complete, you’re such a perfectly obedient child….I know…..because you’re in heaven :-)

It was amazing K, to look back at the afternoon and the evening on Wednesday and see how God was so clearly in everything. First off, I knew that God wanted me to share something with the teens, but what? Well it all came together so clearly and I was growing excited as I saw it happening how the lesson was taking shape. Extremely difficult? Oh absolutely!! Worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!

After I had the lesson all set to go I got to church and one of the teens, Brooke, wo sporadically comes, was there with her two sisters. One was in 6th grade, and Barbara is in 5th grade. She asked me if they could stay for youth group. Well our age limit is 7th but after some careful thought I felt comfortable allowing them to stay but as long as they all (mom too) knew and understood it was a rare exception. I didn’t know then that it was all part of God’s play for Barbara’s life that night.

Well all went as usual and I did my best to effectively deliver the message, so I am so glad God took over most of the time if not ALL of it and according to others it went very well. Lots of tears thanks to you, kid. But lives were touched and changed.

Right after the lesson time…oh wait….one of the guy teens was right on with his answers, comments, and explanations of sharing the gospel of Christ with others, how very cool is that.

Right after an emotional conclusion prayer, Kelly led the rest of the youth ministry staff in a laying on of hands in prayer over Mom and I….wow that was emotional as well but also what an incredible thing for the teens to witness.

After everyone had gone downstairs to get some food, Brooke had brought up her two sisters and told Steph that Barbara wanted to get saved. Plain and simple and even with a smile. Well Steph grabbed Elizabeth to help out because Steph (Mom) was so mentally and emotionally drained and numb. And they experienced exactly what Steph and I prayed begged God for, to see the frist of many reasons why He took you home. PRAISE GOD WE SAW THAT!! BARBARA ACCEPTED CHRIST AS HER SAVIOR!!! But the night and work for Mom was not yet over. The amazing thing about Mom’s involvement in all this good stuff is that she had STRONGLY DEBATED even coming to youth group that night. She was sure glad she had. And after that sometime, Rachel started talking with her. Well they talked for a long time so I knew it was quite serious.

What a rough summer this has been. Yet as difficult as it is to write, “yet”, it’s in the rough times that we will either look to God more and see Him working more, OR we will give in to the temptations and lies of Satan and become angry and bitter at God, turning our backs on Him and ATTEMPT to do life on our own only to fail more.

Songs that have been ministering to me have been,
Promise of a Lifetime –Kutless,
Praise You in This Storm – Casting Crowns,
Blessed Be Your Name – Newsboys,
Love Them Like Jesus – Casting Crowns,
In Christ Alone – Newsboys,
and lastly though I still can’t listen to it yet,
Noah – Michael W. Smith. I just insert your name in the song.

While it’s been very difficult to inform all those we told about your start in life only 2 weeks prior, now about your early departure from us to heaven….we have literally felt the arms of God holding us giving us the comfort that He alone can give. The only way, I firmly believe, that we have come through this crisis in our lives is by the supportive, intercessory, strength, giving, comfort giving prayers of others. We certainly don’t pray enough and I am not entirely on board with Mom about waiting for about 3 months before we announce news about your baby brother/sister – whichever and whenever God blesses us again. I know and understand her fear but if God were to take us through this again, I don’t think we or I could make it without the fervent effectual prayers of all those that prayed this time.

Well Kaelin Shiloh Bailey, God has given/charged you with a bigger task that I could ever expect of you if you were here with us….to touch and reach the hearts of the lost and the hurting and point them to the loving arms of Christ Jesus. I am still floored when I realized that your Mom and I are a large part of that order so we can’t fail and we pray that we will be ultra-sensitive and ever obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit in this calling.

Well my child, I love you so very much miss you very badly. But we have job to do together and I am so grateful and honored to be your dad and partner in ministry along with your Mom and sister Meghan. I can’t wait to get to heaven and meet you and hold you and then go thank God together for you. Tearing up again, and I know I will from here til I catch up with you heaven. In the mean time, go give your Uncle Michael a few……make that as many as you want, kicks in the rear end for me. And then go welcome all the other miscarried children as well as those who will get there because of the sin of abortion/murder/INFANTICIDE and all other children up there.

I love you kid. I’ll see you soon hopefully.
I love you so very much, and so does Mommy and Meghan.

With love and tears,
Daddy
P.s. Yeah, it took me 2 hours to write this and get through this :-) Now let me get back to work will ya? ;-) Since it’s already 5.21 AM LOL.