FLOOD RELIEF AIDE REQUEST

Our area, Binghamton, NY, and other areas here in the northeast U.S.A. have been hit with history making flooding from Tropical Storm Lee. There were people who have lived here the last 50 years who never had flooding in their neighborhood....until now. Thousands have lost everything, and I mean everything but the clothes on their backs and their very lives.

The devastation is real. The pain, severe. The loss, overwhelming.

BUT OUR GOD BIGGER AND IS THE HEALER, PROVIDER, COMFORTER, COUNSELOR, BUILDER, SAVIOUR.

FBJC is an American Red Cross Distribution Center for this event. Therefore, I am asking anyone that reads this to spread the word of a need and another opportunity to demonstrate how the Body of Christ is supposed to work, and to consider making a donation either of finances or any of the items on the list of current needs list (updated throughout the day on the website) to First Baptist Church of Johnson City, NY www.fbjc.org and mark it FLOOD RELIEF FUND.

Or, I know it sounds like a scam, but if you'd rather use paypal to get funds here quicker than through the mail, please feel free to request my paypal email address and I will deliver the funds to my church or use the funds as you mark them to be used (such as if you wish your money be used to buy pillows or packs of socks/underwear, or school supplies, etc, then I will find as much of those items as I can for the amount you send, and I will send you copies of receipts, or email or post pictures here of delivery to the church of the items/monies as proof). But in the interest of time and effeciency I would personally prefer if you sent directly to the church. Naturally if you wish to remain anonymous that will be respected.

ABOVE ALL, PRAY FOR THIS DISASTER, AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE THE LOVE OF CHRIST AND BE THE ARMS AND FEET OF JESUS.

For more information on this history making disaster - visit our local tv stations: www.wbng.com, www.wicz.com, or our local newspaper: www.pressconnects.com.

We are in this for the long haul, so if you can't give anything now, please don't give up on it. Check the church site again and again and when you can share, please do. Thanks ahead of time. Every little bit or big bit helps.

Milk line for sale

Had a kid at my work tell me this. "2% milk is Just whole milk that's been on a week long diet!!"
this line is for sale or rent for those who may want to include it in a bit about milk. LOL

Chapter 14 – Father In-Law

One of the difficult things about seeing a daughter get married is that a dad tends to remember how little he knew when he tied the knot—and that scares him to death when he realizes his daughter is now on the receiving end of that ignorance.

 

When I asked Sande to marry me, I did so many things wrong it's a wonder we ever got together. First of all, no one ever told me to take her to a nice restaurant to propose. I took her to a field out behind my parents' house.

 

And then I put the ring on the wrong hand.

 

When we went down to city hall, I told Sande it was Leman tradition for the bride to pay for the wedding license.

 

"Oh, how interesting," she said. "I certainly don't want to break a Leman family tradition."

 

It was only after she coughed up the five dollars that I had to admit she had just started the tradition.

 

I have to confess, I was so full of what was going on, so exhilarated by the thought that this beautiful young woman was willing to live with Cubby Leman for the rest of her life, that it never occurred to me what her father was thinking. I guess I assumed he was overflowing with unadulterated joy, but now that I've switched generations, I know exactly what her dad was thinking: A stranger is taking my daughter away!

 

As fathers, we are naturally protective of daughters. I think of my girls getting married as a chapter that is closing, even though Sande insists it's the reverse—that an entirely new book is opening up for them.

 

By the time a young man asks for your daughter's hand in marriage, most of your parenting will be done. The wet cement will have hardened into an indelible mold.

 

It's Already Done

Your daughter's ability to trust, her openness to sexual intimacy, and her overall imprinting are, for the most part, already determined. At this point, there's not a lot more you can do. I know that being hand off goes against your nature as a man, but that's a much better approach than to suddenly try to fix everything that is wrong with your daughter or future son-in-law. It's crucial for fathers to understand that you can't use a six-month engagement to repair twenty-five years of neglect. If you try, you'll only make matters worse.

 

A good father-in-law is marked in part by what he doesn't do. Here, more than almost any other area of parenting, is where doing too much may be an even greater danger than doing too little.

 

I've learned, in just the short time that I've been a father-in-law, not to take sides in a disagreement. Sande and I have memorized the words, "I'm sure you guys can handle it; I'm sure you'll work it out."

 

We used these phrases quite frequently when the kids quarreled, and we intend to keep right on using them when marital spats erupt. The beauty of these phrases is that they accomplish two ends: They keep you out of the argument while also giving a positive expectation: "Somehow, you guys will figure this out." That shows confidence in them as a couple.

 

A New Era

Making the transition from father to father-in-law may not be easy, but it's essential—and rewarding. A friend reminded me that the absolutely best thing about being a father-in-law is this: The next woman in my family to have a baby won't be Sande!

 

[Conclusion of What a Difference A Daddy Makes, The Indelible Imprint of a Daddy on a Daughter's Life]

 

Blog author's challenge:

Men, if we were really men and father's acted like real fathers, places like where I work, a multi-faceted Children's Home, would never need to exist. Culture would be far different and better. Let's all get to work and hope and pray to God that our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will enjoy the benefits of men truly being men, father's truly being father's, far more than sperm donors.

--
<' (((   ><

Chapter 13 – When Daughter Develops

I am willing to concede that there are some things that only a mother and daughter should discuss—such as buying tampons. But sex is definitely NOT one of these things. It is a classic case of absolutely the worst timing when a father begins to pull back from his physically developing daughter. That is precisely the time that he should be drawing near. A father's love is a safe harbor for a developing young woman.

 

At precisely the time that a young woman is cast into insecurity by a changing body, at exactly the moment when she is wondering how males will view her as a woman instead of as a child, father draws back. It will confirm all her worst fears and may even send her reeling into the arms of a hormone-driven boy who will gladly pay attention to her—for a very high price.

 

A good father will keep moving toward his developing daughter, and he'll be prepared to talk to her about modesty, which has become a lost virtue.

 

A Return to Modesty

Twenty-three-year-old Wendy Shalit, a gutsy Williams College student, rocked the literary world in early 1999 when she published her first book, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue.

 

Shalit argues that many of the problems faced by today's young women are casued by the fact that they have lost respect for the neglected virtue of modesty. Promiscuity—often touted as women's emancipation—has not helped females but hindered them, resulting in low self-esteem for women and disrespect from men.

 

Quoting Joan Jacobs Brumberg's study of girls' diaries in The Body Project, Shalit recounts the following typical New Year's resolutions for a young woman living in the 1890's:

Resolved, to think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others.

 

In the 1990s, the typical diary reads, "I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can….I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes, and accessories."

 

Don't be a cowardly He-Man

Above all, don't be afraid [when it comes to talking with your daughter about sexuality]. Passivity in this area has wounded so many little girls. Talk about sex. Give your daughters a safe environment to learn about this mystery, and provide them with a biblical context that will keep them out of a lot of trouble.

 

Safe Sex

It would be abnormal for any adolescent daughter not to be at least a little curious about sex. Of course she is going to seek answers. If a daughter senses that her dad is not willing to discuss these things with her, she's going to go somewhere else to pursue her answers, and you'll have absolutely no control over what she hears.

 

That thought scares me even more than the thought of talking about sex with my daughters. If you have to use one fear to conquer another, go ahead—as long as you get over your silence. Talking about sex is not a mother's job. It's a dad's job. A young girl deserves to hear about sex in a safe environment from a man she trusts—her father.

 

God is the creator of sex. Sex is not something dirty; it's very wonderful within marriage between a husband and a wife. The way God originally designed it, sex is a very precious experience between two people who are committed to each other for the rest of their lives.

 

Sex is not about pleasure; primarily, it's about two people becoming one. I emphasize this because I want sex outside of marriage to sound as absurd as it is.

 

Now, doesn't this sound like a much healthier introduction for a little girl into the world of sexuality? She's talking to a man whom she trusts and who will never violate that trust. She's hearing about it in a biblical context, and she's being imparted to remember that sex is something reserved for marriage.

 

Every little girl deserves no less, and only her father can give that to her. Don't rely on a junior high teacher. Dad, don't expect your pastor, youth group leader, or physician to do what you should do. Especially don't let your daughter's sexual education come through the sex-hungry mind of a teenage boy.

 

Let it come from you.

 

A practical tip I've learned—particularly with pubescents—is that the best place to talk about sex is in the car. That way, both father and daughter can look out the window while they're talking. It can be a bit intimidating to sit across from each other and peer into your little girl's eyes while you mention body parts.

 

You're Still Doing It?

While very young kids can make intimacy difficult, a daughter deserves a father who is crazy about his wife. A daughter also deserves a mother who welcomes her husband's advances.

 

I don't apologize for liking sex. I think God's creativity hit a grand slam on that one. So it's not a stretch for me to say that I want my daughters to enjoy that same experience, provided it's within marriage. Which makes it my responsibility to model a healthy and affirming attitude toward sexuality.

 

Of course, this has to be done appropriately. Some friends of mine are rather on the heavy side, and during one interlude—somewhere between ecstasy and bliss—they managed to fall out of bed. The man's arm hit a side table and knocked a lamp over, creating such a ruckus their two teenaged kids rushed into the room, thinking some major catastrophe must have taken place.

 

Much to their horror, there were Mother and Father in all their glory, rolling on the floor and reaching furiously for some covers.

 

Interestingly enough, the kids weren't uptight about what their parents were doing—though no parent should intentionally provide such a blatant reminder. They were more upset that their parents had forgotten to lock the door.

 

[After citing a study done where kids said their married parents never have sex, but those with single parents know it takes place]. What kind of society are we building when kids with married parents think sex never takes place, but kids with single parents know it takes place? In too many kids' minds, sex has become virtually synonymous with sin.

 

"Kids think sex is dirty," Cathi Woods told Christianity Today, "but it's not. They're just experiencing it in the wrong context. The reason they think of it as dirty is because girls feel dirty and used after the fact. The two comments I hear most often from sexually active young girls are, 'I feel dirty' and 'I feel used.'"

 

What I want to do for my daughters is to model a healthy, sin-free sexuality that will build up a woman and unite her with her husband—the way God intended. That means I have to go out of my way to talk about sex with older children, using very relevant terms.

 

I challenged my son, "Why don't you be different? Why don't you be the one guy girls know won't pinch their bottom or call out a number when they walk by? See if you can't rise about the Neanderthals who masquerade as men."

 

Still Waters

Psalm 23:2 provides a great model for parents: "He leads me beside still waters."

 

You can't make wise decisions in a churning, frothing whirlpool.

 

I'm not going to throw my daughter into a sexual environment and hope she finds her way. She may be sixteen years old, but she hasn't been dealing with sixteen-year-old boys for more than a few months; in that respect, she's still a baby and needs to be protected.

 

But what do you do when a twenty-four-year-old daughter has her heart set on a young man [that makes you uncomfortable]? You can offer advice, but at that age, she's old enough to make marital choices on her own. It would definitely be inappropriate for us to isolate or even direct the dating habits of a twenty-four-year-old daughter. But I believe it would be just as inappropriate to treat a sixteen-year-old girl like a twenty-four-year-old woman.

 

Men, I can't be too strong here. The statistics for premarital sex are appalling. If you have more than one daughter, odds are that at least one of them will be sexually active before marriage—and very likely end up pregnant. If you do nothing, if you ignore the whole issue and hope it just goes away, odds are that every one of your daughter will become sexually active before marriage.

 

If you talk to crisis pregnancy center directors like Cathi Woods, you'll find that the vast majority of these young women live with tremendous regret. Most of them will say—as Cathi says of herself—"If God would grand me just one wish, I would wish that I could be a virgin on my wedding night."

 

Don't let your daughter learn through neglect and regret. This is an area where pain is too severe. If your daughter becomes sexually active, she risks venereal diseases, a broken heart, intimacy problems in marriage, and more. It's too risky not to take shepherding in this area very, very seriously.

 

On the other hand, an involved, affirming, and open father can steer his daughter around promiscuity. He can walk three or four different virgin daughters down the aisle to marry their husbands. The privilege of doing this, however, won't happen by accident. Dad will need to be heavily involved in his daughters' lives.

 

HE'LL ALSO NEED TO MODEL CHASTITY BY BEING FAITHFUL TO HIS OWN WIFE.

 

Doorway to Promiscuity

Promiscuity among young girls has reached such a point that Ann Landers received the following letter: "In the old days, mothers warned their daughters about boys who were out for all they could get. Today, it's the boys who need protection."

 

Health and sex education teacher Lyle Kelly told the Arizona Republic that teenage girls often admit to him that they don't enjoy sex but that they do it for emotional comfort. If a girl is getting this emotional comfort from a dad who lives with her and is involved in her life, she will not need to seek it from a lust-riddled boyfriend.

 

Not only is it important for parents to stay together, but it is also important that they learn to stay together peaceably and lovingly, avoiding emotional as well as legal divorce.

 

I'm afraid I might start sounding like a broken record, but once again, the dad's first duty is to provide a safe environment in which both mother and father are present. If you do this, many of the other problems can be addressed. If you fail in this, you will face an uphill battle for the rest of your daughter's life.

--
<' (((   ><

Chapter 12 – When Mother and Daughter Collide (and Daddy is in the Middle)

"Mothers have an uncanny sense of what their babies need and an amazing, almost intuitive understanding of what their children and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, this can hold back a child's development. Mothers can become so adept at anticipating a child's desires; the child may not learn how to communicate those needs effectively."

 

"This is just one of the ways that an active father can help his daughter develop. When a father interacts with his baby, the child is forced to learn how to communicate more effectively. Dad's supposed weakness in this regard is in reality a strength."

 

"This is just one of many examples of how crucial a father is in all stages of a daughter's life. Until relatively recently, in terms of Western culture, no one questioned the importance of fathering. It might surprise some of you men to learn that in colonial America, fathers were viewed as the primary caregivers to children. Until the earlier part of the eighteenth century, virtually all child-rearing manuals were written for men. And it wasn't until the nineteenth century that women began to be awarded custody of children in the wake of a divorce. Prior to that, children almost always went to the man."

 

"Many women, in fact, actively discourage their husbands from taking paternal leave. When asked, some of these women admitted that they did not want to risk the child's bonding with the father, thereby competing with their own bonding process."

 

"Men, if you are married to one of these mothers, you need to be firm. Your daughter needs your involvement."

 

"The research shows that a mother's attitude toward the father-daughter relationship has a major impact on a father's parental involvement. If the husband perceives that his wife doesn't want him to be influential in his daughter's life, or if the wife makes the husband feel as if he knows nothing about being a female and should therefore leave matters of substance to her, hubby is far less likely to become the active, affirming father that his daughter craves."

 

"Another way that mothers can unwittingly (or wittingly) sabotage father-daughter relations is by insisting that a father parent like a mother. When a dad becomes involved in his daughter's life, he will bring his own opinions, values, and beliefs to the relationship. He may seem brusque where the mother would be gentle. You cannot expect a man to parent like a woman. The ideal is NOT for a child to have to mommies, but for a child to have a mommy AND a daddy."

 

"I want you dads to understand just how vital your care and participation in the parenting process is so this doesn't happen in your home."

 

A Man for All Seasons

Just as a father's attention is vital to help a baby learn to communicate, so it is essential just a few months later as the near-toddler learns to accept a man's attention. Dr. James Herzog points out that both boys and girls have an acute need to identify with their male parent, particularly between the ages of fourteen and seventeen months, which results in them gravitation toward Daddy. Insecure mothers may feel jealous or even betrayed by this – I changed her diapers, I'm the one who helped her take her first step, I rocked her to sleep and dressed her in clean clothes, and now she wants him more than me?!—but this is a necessary development that mothers should encourage, not hinder.

           

Dr. Charles Flatter points out that as toddlers become children, a father's need to become actively involved increases yet again. Little four-year-old girls learn that Mother and Daddy resolve conflicts in different ways. One parent might be more analytical; the other more emotional. Whatever the case, the daughter will learn that there is more than one way to handle a dispute. If the father draws back, the daughter will be one-dimensional and much less able to cope in a varied world.

 

Competition can heat up fast. It is normal for a five-year-old girl to begin to flirt with her father and even be resentful of her mother. Her longing for the father's affection at this age is such that she envies the exclusive relationship Mommy has with Daddy. This, again, is a crucial step that helps the little girl define her femininity, regardless of how painful it might be for Mom.

 

Between the ages of six and preadolescence, a daughter's view of Daddy will transform itself from and idealized one to a more objective characterization. Dr. Phyllis Tyson has found that an involved father at this season of life helps a daughter learn to manage her impulses and cement her gender identity. Also important, an involved father will help a child this age to begin the necessary separation from the mother, stemming the natural urge, caused by fear, to regress to being a "baby" again.

 

The potential for conflict here is obvious. The child NEEDS to separate from Mom if she is going to become an adult, and she will naturally use Daddy to help make that transition. Mother might take this personally and blame the father for a natural process of life.

 

In adolescence, the involved father becomes the male figure that all other men are compared to. His acceptance, affirmation, and encouragement will help the daughter successfully negotiate her way into adulthood. I'm all for the mother and daughter being "best friends" at this age, but mother shouldn't guard this so possessively that daughter is cheated from receiving Dad's all-important attention. Dad, you need to step forward here and stay involved.

 

In every stage of life—from birth to marriage—an active father's presence is crucial.

 

Men, if your wife is undermining your relationship with your daughter, ask her to read this chapter. Talk over her fears. Don't discount them, but don't simply give in to them, either. Listen to your wife, assure her of your love, but affirm your desire and intention to remain active in your daughter's life.

 

After you've done that, however, I want to you take another step and put the spotlight on yourself. Maybe your wife feels threatened by your parenting in part because you've been neglecting her in favor of your daughter. It's no more healthy for your daughter to have a man who is involved in her life but ignoring her mother than it is for her to have a father who ignores her. She needs to see a healthy marriage in order to develop an appropriate model for her own marriage.

 

Successful fathering stands on two pillars: being an active father and being an active husband. Let's now turn our attention to this second element.

 

The Father as an Active, Involved Husband

 

Men, I've never met a wife who told me, "I'm so thankful that I'm number two in my husband's heart and his children are number one."

 

Our job as men is to move toward our wives.

 

Going on the Offense

You may have a jerk boss who rides you unmercifully and unfairly. But when you allow him to send you home in a funk, you let that man afflict your wife and children too. It's your job to protect your family from that jerk.

 

One of the ways you can serve your daughter is by loving your wife the way she wants to be loved. Women don't feel loved when they sense their husband is controlling—and control is often our number one failing as men.

 

Janice comes home after spending an hour and a half shopping for groceries and is met at the door by meticulous Mark. Mark actually requests the receipt, then does an itemized accounting of everything Janice bought.

            This type of control mongering is debilitation to a woman.

 

Other men use their temper to exert control. They know that as soon as they start bellowing like a lion, their wives and kids will quickly fall into line. When these men are tired, they don't even try to relate—they just yell.

 

If you go along with a subpar marriage, your daughter will pay the price. She needs to have a strong, involved, affectionate, and respectful marriage modeled for her. The best gift you can give your daughter is making your wife number one in your eyes. You are not raising healthy children if you shower all your attention on "Daddy's little girl" and leaving nothing for Daddy's wife.

 

Building on a strong marriage, both father and mother can give their children something priceless—cooperating parents.

 

Cooperating Parents

Think of how comforting this is to a girl. She has both a good father and a good mother modeled to her. Together, they help her to understand how a man and woman relate, work together, and raise a healthy family. There are no holes for her to fill in, no gaps to reconstruct. She has the entire package right before her—how a godly woman lives, how a godly man behaves, and how both of them relate to each other.

 

Isn't this what you want for your daughter, Dad? Don't you want her to have the best chance for happiness in her own marriage? If so, learn to get along with your wife. Shower your daughter with affection, but save the primary flow of your attention for your wife. If you do this, your daughter will benefit all the more.

--
<' (((   ><

Chapter 11 – Teach Your Daughter That Other People Matter More

"Our daughters grow up with messages that exalt love of self."

 

"But Jesus' words—that we find our life by losing it—are as true for a fourteen-year-old girl as they are for a grown man or woman.

 

"Other-centeredness is, ironically, crucial for our daughter's happiness. A young woman who lives only to be noticed will always be frustrated, because she will never be noticed enough."

 

"On the other hand, a young woman who seeks to notice others will always be fulfilled, because there is an endless supply of people who need to be noticed and appreciated. She will find that meaning and contentment grow as she ages."

 

"Our daughters need to see their fathers placing duty above happiness—so that they, too, can learn to be lost in a cause of purpose greater than themselves."

 

Sacrificial Service

"'tough minded men can be kind and sensitive. He was a very loving father.'"

 

"Robert Kennedy may have been sensitive and involved, yet he taught his daughter the hard-minded truths of trying, refusing to give up, and, ultimately, winning. He did more in the seventeen years he had with Kathleen than many fathers to over six or seven decades.

 

"Have you taught your daughter the importance of serving? Does she know that life becomes more fulfilling when she concerns herself with making a difference in her community rather than spending three hours a day in the gym trying to fit her size-ten body into a size-four dress? Does she know the importance of persevering and refusing to give up? Have you taught her that sometimes sacrifice and service hurt? That at times we have to give up things we want to do in order to care for others?

 

"Elisabeth Elliot's missionary service cost her a husband (he was killed by the Auca Indians he had gone to serve). Amy Carmichael shunned the fashionable dress of her day and began donning the clothes of the East Indians she was determined to reach with the gospel. Such women represent true heroism and faith, something that never goes out of style."

 

"Learning to put others first does more than add integrity to our daughters' walk with God. It also helps ensure that they will have rewarding marriages, as putting your spouse first is crucial to marital satisfaction."

 

Real Love

"I've realized that I can make my daughters' lives go much more smoothly by helping them to see that for most of us, life serves up ten helpings of reality for every one helping of bliss. Marriage is about service even more than it is about romance."

 

"This is true even when it comes to sex and conversation. … It's our responsibility to clue our daughters in to how a man wants to be served this way in marriage (just as we must teach our sons how to serve their wives in this same area)."

 

"Men seek sexual fulfillment, not just sex." "But sex without sexual fulfillment to a man is like conversing with a man through a newspaper is to a woman."

 

"Sexual fulfillment is not based on a wife's willingness but rather on a wife's eagerness. It's very kind of a wife to be willing…..but we'd much rather have it come from an eager participant."

 

"I have yet to meet a man who doesn't occasionally want his wife to initiate sexual relations." "Sadly, I've had far too many women tell me in counseling, "My mom pulled me aside on my wedding day and said, "Sex is something you're going to have to learn to live with. Just lie back and let him enjoy himself; it usually doesn't take all that long if you just let him get it over with.""

 

"What a crippling thing to say!" "We can say to our daughters, "Rather than always assenting, try asking!" "tell him over and over how important, how vital this aspect of marriage is to you, and then back that up with actions."

 

"If any women are reading this chapter, I know they'll be saying to themselves, "I'll never get there. Sex will never be that exciting to me." That's exactly why I'm encouraging fathers to teach their daughters to put other people first. It's rather elementary. Do you think your daughter has and emotional (as well as financial and spiritual) stake in her husband's marital contentment? Do you think she ultimately wants her hubby to drive to work saying to himself, "I'm so glad I married that woman"?"

 

"Of course she does! And you can help her achieve that goal." "She needs to know that sex may never be as important to her as it is to her husband, but she can still initiate it because her husband's love and affection are important to her."

 

"Lest someone think I believe only women must serve, let me stress that I tell men to put the same principles into play. I'd start talking about how important it is for mothers to tell their young men how crucial it is to put the newspaper down when their wives want to talk. It's just as crucial for men to put others first as it is for women. And marriage provides plenty of opportunities for men to do this."

 

"Daughters who have been taught that other people matter more have been given a great head start in marriage. They will find more fulfillment outside the relationship, as they serve others, as well as inside the relationship, as they build intimacy with their spouse."

 

"Putting other people first has limits, of course. There are times when service can be crippling rather than enabling, and we need to teach our daughters that too."

 

"I want to raise daughter who know the meaning of sacrificial service, but I draw a distinction between sacrificial service and enabling people to destroy themselves. For instance, I don't recommend that a woman stay with a man who is physically abusing her just because she needs to "put him first." That is not what I'm talking about. What a controlling, abusive man needs more than anything else is someone who will stand up to him and say, "Not any more."

"That's true service."