I am willing to concede that there are some things that only a mother and daughter should discuss—such as buying tampons. But sex is definitely NOT one of these things. It is a classic case of absolutely the worst timing when a father begins to pull back from his physically developing daughter. That is precisely the time that he should be drawing near. A father's love is a safe harbor for a developing young woman.
At precisely the time that a young woman is cast into insecurity by a changing body, at exactly the moment when she is wondering how males will view her as a woman instead of as a child, father draws back. It will confirm all her worst fears and may even send her reeling into the arms of a hormone-driven boy who will gladly pay attention to her—for a very high price.
A good father will keep moving toward his developing daughter, and he'll be prepared to talk to her about modesty, which has become a lost virtue.
A Return to Modesty
Twenty-three-year-old Wendy Shalit, a gutsy Williams College student, rocked the literary world in early 1999 when she published her first book, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue.
Shalit argues that many of the problems faced by today's young women are casued by the fact that they have lost respect for the neglected virtue of modesty. Promiscuity—often touted as women's emancipation—has not helped females but hindered them, resulting in low self-esteem for women and disrespect from men.
Quoting Joan Jacobs Brumberg's study of girls' diaries in The Body Project, Shalit recounts the following typical New Year's resolutions for a young woman living in the 1890's:
Resolved, to think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others.
In the 1990s, the typical diary reads, "I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can….I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes, and accessories."
Don't be a cowardly He-Man
Above all, don't be afraid [when it comes to talking with your daughter about sexuality]. Passivity in this area has wounded so many little girls. Talk about sex. Give your daughters a safe environment to learn about this mystery, and provide them with a biblical context that will keep them out of a lot of trouble.
Safe Sex
It would be abnormal for any adolescent daughter not to be at least a little curious about sex. Of course she is going to seek answers. If a daughter senses that her dad is not willing to discuss these things with her, she's going to go somewhere else to pursue her answers, and you'll have absolutely no control over what she hears.
That thought scares me even more than the thought of talking about sex with my daughters. If you have to use one fear to conquer another, go ahead—as long as you get over your silence. Talking about sex is not a mother's job. It's a dad's job. A young girl deserves to hear about sex in a safe environment from a man she trusts—her father.
God is the creator of sex. Sex is not something dirty; it's very wonderful within marriage between a husband and a wife. The way God originally designed it, sex is a very precious experience between two people who are committed to each other for the rest of their lives.
Sex is not about pleasure; primarily, it's about two people becoming one. I emphasize this because I want sex outside of marriage to sound as absurd as it is.
Now, doesn't this sound like a much healthier introduction for a little girl into the world of sexuality? She's talking to a man whom she trusts and who will never violate that trust. She's hearing about it in a biblical context, and she's being imparted to remember that sex is something reserved for marriage.
Every little girl deserves no less, and only her father can give that to her. Don't rely on a junior high teacher. Dad, don't expect your pastor, youth group leader, or physician to do what you should do. Especially don't let your daughter's sexual education come through the sex-hungry mind of a teenage boy.
Let it come from you.
A practical tip I've learned—particularly with pubescents—is that the best place to talk about sex is in the car. That way, both father and daughter can look out the window while they're talking. It can be a bit intimidating to sit across from each other and peer into your little girl's eyes while you mention body parts.
You're Still Doing It?
While very young kids can make intimacy difficult, a daughter deserves a father who is crazy about his wife. A daughter also deserves a mother who welcomes her husband's advances.
I don't apologize for liking sex. I think God's creativity hit a grand slam on that one. So it's not a stretch for me to say that I want my daughters to enjoy that same experience, provided it's within marriage. Which makes it my responsibility to model a healthy and affirming attitude toward sexuality.
Of course, this has to be done appropriately. Some friends of mine are rather on the heavy side, and during one interlude—somewhere between ecstasy and bliss—they managed to fall out of bed. The man's arm hit a side table and knocked a lamp over, creating such a ruckus their two teenaged kids rushed into the room, thinking some major catastrophe must have taken place.
Much to their horror, there were Mother and Father in all their glory, rolling on the floor and reaching furiously for some covers.
Interestingly enough, the kids weren't uptight about what their parents were doing—though no parent should intentionally provide such a blatant reminder. They were more upset that their parents had forgotten to lock the door.
[After citing a study done where kids said their married parents never have sex, but those with single parents know it takes place]. What kind of society are we building when kids with married parents think sex never takes place, but kids with single parents know it takes place? In too many kids' minds, sex has become virtually synonymous with sin.
"Kids think sex is dirty," Cathi Woods told Christianity Today, "but it's not. They're just experiencing it in the wrong context. The reason they think of it as dirty is because girls feel dirty and used after the fact. The two comments I hear most often from sexually active young girls are, 'I feel dirty' and 'I feel used.'"
What I want to do for my daughters is to model a healthy, sin-free sexuality that will build up a woman and unite her with her husband—the way God intended. That means I have to go out of my way to talk about sex with older children, using very relevant terms.
I challenged my son, "Why don't you be different? Why don't you be the one guy girls know won't pinch their bottom or call out a number when they walk by? See if you can't rise about the Neanderthals who masquerade as men."
Still Waters
Psalm 23:2 provides a great model for parents: "He leads me beside still waters."
You can't make wise decisions in a churning, frothing whirlpool.
I'm not going to throw my daughter into a sexual environment and hope she finds her way. She may be sixteen years old, but she hasn't been dealing with sixteen-year-old boys for more than a few months; in that respect, she's still a baby and needs to be protected.
But what do you do when a twenty-four-year-old daughter has her heart set on a young man [that makes you uncomfortable]? You can offer advice, but at that age, she's old enough to make marital choices on her own. It would definitely be inappropriate for us to isolate or even direct the dating habits of a twenty-four-year-old daughter. But I believe it would be just as inappropriate to treat a sixteen-year-old girl like a twenty-four-year-old woman.
Men, I can't be too strong here. The statistics for premarital sex are appalling. If you have more than one daughter, odds are that at least one of them will be sexually active before marriage—and very likely end up pregnant. If you do nothing, if you ignore the whole issue and hope it just goes away, odds are that every one of your daughter will become sexually active before marriage.
If you talk to crisis pregnancy center directors like Cathi Woods, you'll find that the vast majority of these young women live with tremendous regret. Most of them will say—as Cathi says of herself—"If God would grand me just one wish, I would wish that I could be a virgin on my wedding night."
Don't let your daughter learn through neglect and regret. This is an area where pain is too severe. If your daughter becomes sexually active, she risks venereal diseases, a broken heart, intimacy problems in marriage, and more. It's too risky not to take shepherding in this area very, very seriously.
On the other hand, an involved, affirming, and open father can steer his daughter around promiscuity. He can walk three or four different virgin daughters down the aisle to marry their husbands. The privilege of doing this, however, won't happen by accident. Dad will need to be heavily involved in his daughters' lives.
HE'LL ALSO NEED TO MODEL CHASTITY BY BEING FAITHFUL TO HIS OWN WIFE.
Doorway to Promiscuity
Promiscuity among young girls has reached such a point that Ann Landers received the following letter: "In the old days, mothers warned their daughters about boys who were out for all they could get. Today, it's the boys who need protection."
Health and sex education teacher Lyle Kelly told the Arizona Republic that teenage girls often admit to him that they don't enjoy sex but that they do it for emotional comfort. If a girl is getting this emotional comfort from a dad who lives with her and is involved in her life, she will not need to seek it from a lust-riddled boyfriend.
Not only is it important for parents to stay together, but it is also important that they learn to stay together peaceably and lovingly, avoiding emotional as well as legal divorce.
I'm afraid I might start sounding like a broken record, but once again, the dad's first duty is to provide a safe environment in which both mother and father are present. If you do this, many of the other problems can be addressed. If you fail in this, you will face an uphill battle for the rest of your daughter's life.
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